Description of Challenge
Conflicts can occur within ourselves, and with other people. It is the main reason why intentional communities do not last. Marshall Rosenberg's gift to the world is this method of addressing conflict. It requires people to go deeply within themselves first, and determine their own feelings and needs, before discussing it with the other parties. This self-reflection is key, because there are many strategies to meet these core needs, not just one.Underneath a feeling is a core need which is common to all. When we get in touch with the beautiful needs beneath unpleasant feelings, we come to see new strategies for meeting those needs. In a conflict situation, if the parties can share their feelings, then get down to their core needs and share them, often the conflict can be resolved quickly.
Solution
Our feelings, whether pleasant or unpleasant, arise from core basic human needs which are either met or not met. A feeling of frustration may arise, for example, when the core need for autonomy (freedom, choice) is not met in a given situation. A feeling of joy may arise when the core need for connection is met.
Here are some of the fundamental, core needs we all have as humans on this planet:
health
safety (both emotional and physical),
affection,
understanding,
connection (to others, nature, ourselves)
leisure,
creation,
contributing to the needs of others
freedom.
When faced with a conflict, this method asks you to go within and determine what need or need is not being met for you. As you reflect deeply on the core need, stay with it and let the beauty of that need fill you. Then open up to see where in your life this need is already being met. Not in the conflict situation, but in other areas of your life. Or where the need might more easily be met than the current conflict. Now you are ready to meet with the person or persons you are in conflict with, and share your heart with them. Come to the others with the intention to simply connect and share what you have seen when you went within. To share your deep need. Your vulnerability will enable others to hear you.
Then deeply listen to the other party or parties in the conflict – listen for what underlying core human needs might be alive in them as they speak. The others do not need to be trained in this technique for it to work. Even if only you come prepared to share and to listen, it will help the conflict. You can guess at the other’s needs, and ask them if you are guessing correctly. For example, you could say ‘Are you unhappy because you would really like more understanding?’ If your guess is right, the other person will be relieved that they have been seen and heard for what is really important to them. If your guess is not correct, they will be sure to tell you. You can listen more and guess again – now or later.
If all parties can be deeply heard for their needs, solutions usually emerge – strategies to meet needs which may have never been considered before.
